It's already Thanksgiving Day, and I have no idea how it happened. It feels like I'm a world away from home and all I want to do is curl up with a good book and just cry. I have been acting like I'm happy so everyone will just leave me alone. Isn't that what I always wanted? Yeah, I suppose so.
Things have been going downhill lately. Ryan and I broke up and it feels like we are in the same limbo that we were in before, the first time we broke up. He misses me and I miss him, so very much. Yet...somehow this hurt is different than the first time. I miss him but not like I did before. It's weird. Maybe I am just moving on rather than trying my hardest to think of a way to make things all better. I want things to be better but I don't know if we can go back to the way things used to be. He wants things back to normal, but I don't. That means that I have to go back to hiding my hurt. Whenever he would say things in a joke, I would take them too seriously and it would hurt me.
I've gotten good at hiding my pain whenever he says things to me. I know he didn't try to but even his movements hurt me. Whenever I try to hold his hand he just pushes it away and walks farther away from me. It hurts knowing that he doesn't appreciate the same things that I do. Whenever we went to the trail, he wouldn't stay with me and listen to the trees for a little while. After he walked away, the symphony of music that came from trees surrounded me. It was glorious and the one person that I wanted to share it with...left me alone. The leaves were breaking off of the trees all around me and I tried to capture it on my camera but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
I guess I just want someone to be with during the cold winter. It's no fun being by yourself during Christmas time and whenever the snow is falling. Christmas time is supposed to be more romantic and you can't have that if you are by yourself. That is selfish. I know. I don't want to just be with him because we both are lonely and want someone during the chilly days.
I just don't know what to write anymore. I've written more about my feelings on this than I normally do.
